September 19, 2011
at peace
On the bed, bade farewell to a Y2K weekend on the radio. Somehow, don't feel like sleeping. Feel like just listening to the music, the songs all familiar, all striking a chord somewhere.
Songs from the grown-up years, grown-up but nowhere near mature, grown-up but still ignorant years. There were risks taken, wilful decisions made, ideals struggling to be reality. There was money spent on late Sat nights out, time passed just basking in moonlight, much strumming of the fingers on rough table-tops, along with his guitar.
It is comforting. The quiet of the night. Solitude in voices.
Put me softly to sleep, cradle gently my dreams tonight.
posted from Bloggeroid
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:35
September 16, 2011
chewings
I sms-ed a friend this morning. I have not been in touch with her for a long while. The last time we met was probably more than a year ago. This morning, I saw someone who looks like her from behind when I took a stroll through Bishan Park to get home. I thought to send her a 'hi'. We exchanged a few sms-es and she made a presumption that I must be earning a lot of money doing what I'm doing now, with 2 'portfolios' of tutoring and therapy-work. I replied with the facts - it depends on my schedule, not as much as most people presume, and certainly with no employee benefits - that people often neglect to consider when they relate self-employment (especially tutor) to income level. She did not reply after that, and I was not surprised. The last few times we chatted over smses, they all ended on my 'I-don't-earn-as-much-as-you-think-I-do' note. In our society today, how easy and often it is that people associate our level of happiness and freedom with our paychecks. All of us are guilty of this, some more than others. Not everything is about money; money should not be everything. Money is important, I am not saying it is not. However, it is only important in so far as to what you can do with it. It can be a means to getting the things or services that can bring you happiness, but it can't buy you happiness per se. We all know happiness to be directly related to freedom, but few of us appreciate that freedom is also a function of happiness. And since happiness can't be bought with money, then perhaps, freedom is really not too much about money. Or the obligations you need to fulfill to earn that money. On Wednesday, Fr Garcia wrapped up his very engaging and enlightening sharing on morality and ethics, which all converge to our idea of happiness and human goodness. So many ideas and concepts were presented for us to chew on, that Emman and I are still digesting them, one bite at a time. But a few things stuck for now:- the right or wrong of an act is more than the sum of its consequences; it is a matter of what and how it changes the person- our decision to act or not is based on our mind, will and emotions- the purpose of an action and the purpose of our lives are inter-connected- the 3 ethical cornerstones of making choices are the goal, intentions of an act and circumstances under which an act is committed- evil does not come from anything or anyone, but is the absence of goodness- our inclinations, choices and character interact closely to make us more or less human (but never as human as Jesus)- the way to be better is to cultivate our human virtues in accordance to moral principles (here is where the ten commandments come in)- positive principles bind prudentially; negative principles bind absolutely (this is 'chim', Fr Garcia said... but clever me understood! haha)- colugos are leaves-eating flying lemurs that can be found in Singapore reservoirs and will die if you feed them bananas or teach them to swim... and are cuter than some menemmanuel> this paragraph is specially tailored for youGoing back to the friend... Admittedly, I'm slightly disappointed that my bank account is the only area she cares to ask about me. Instead of feeling like a friend, I feel like a yardstick. A yardstick for her to measure her income against. When the only thing two persons can have a chat about is their income levels, their relationship must be pretty superficial. Don't you agree? Well, it could have been better. Perhaps the next time, I should just let her think what she thinks. After all, it does not matter to me anymore.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 10:15
September 14, 2011
35 is the new 'youthful'
The eve of 31 years old was spent trying to avoid cutting my finger while chopping celery and cutting spring onion. It still happened. To my finger... nail. I chipped my fingernail, just a bit. All for a good cause. It ended with some really pretty (but later, I discovered, super creamy and fattening) cakes and an over-loaded angbao from perhaps the only person in my life who simply does not follow my instructions.The morning of 31 years old was started bright and early, at a place most unexpected, with people most un-traditional, doing something quite out-of the-usual. Our Mee Soto Ayam brought in a profit of about a hundred, won a few accolades from kind parishioners, and one complaint from a (rather calculative, in my opinion) auntie for being 30cents more expensive than she was used to paying for. It ended with a re-watch of The Dark Knight; that's when I made the discovery about the pretty but fattening cakes. On the 31 years old + one day, life was very much back to the usual since the school term has started. And the story continues... towards the 32nd. When I was 21 years old, I never imagined what life would be like, what I would be when I'm 31. Now that I'm a decade older, I still can't imagine what it would be like when I'm 41 even if I tried. Sometimes, it comes as a surprise that I'm still here after so many years. Then again, how so many years have just passed! I think the point is in not thinking about it.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:22
September 06, 2011
Step into another shoes
And I feel just like I'm living someone else's lifeIt's like I just stepped outside when everything was going rightThere was a time, years ago, when I feel deeply saddened and yet, comforted by these two lines of Michael Buble's 'Home'. Recent years, more often than less, I get this feeling that... the world has moved on, is moving on, in all its righteousness and timeliness while I am still at the same spot, marching as best as I know, yet not moving an inch. It is as if I have stumbled upon a labyrinth. A long walk with no end in sight, occasionally turning a corner to find a door, going down through that door, which in the end, always lead back to the same start-point. And, everything seems, feels so familiar. So helplessly familiar. So lonely, I found myself when I'm back at the start-point. So, recently, the tears that come quite easily, especially late at night, are there for this reason. In a way, I like when they do. At least, it seems to say that I still care about what happens to me. Today, on the bus to session, it suddenly occured to me that it ought to be surprising to myself if I am still alive by the age of 50. Simply because I've yet to be able to see the 50-year-old me. In fact, I am still struggling to see the 40-year-old. How ironic to be 'stuck' in a limbo state and not be able to plan for my next 20 years when around me, most people are planning for their retirement and their children's tertiary education in 30 years fast-forward. How ironic to be collecting moments when this society places the limelight on milestone. Perhaps I need to catch up, somewhere... somehow. If only.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:54